Friday, 18 July 2014

Call me when you've figured it out.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…" -CD

Oh CD how right you were. I'm sure this holds true for many professions and lives- as I truly believe we all go through the motions alike. But in fields such as mine, where you are automatically married/attached/devoted to a certain spirituality in your music- it can only happen more and more.

I will be singing with and for AR Rahman- the musician I have considered my guru and guide. There is no greater honour I could have imagined for myself- to actually perform in his presence with him in the audience AND have him onstage beside me. In the midst of that- I have been facing a lot of turmoil in my heart. Fear for the new challenges in music, of being a graduate and in relationships, health, financial aspects. Everyday brings upon a new obstacle for that "perfect kind of happiness."

Oh I know there isn't one. But for many there is stability. For someone who needs stability- I certainly picked the wrong career. A part of me inherits a control "freak" if you must- side, while the other is a thrill seeker. But as many creative people are- I need routine most times, to keep me focussed and productive. Of course those moments of flow come and go too....

Whenever I feel stuck, I call my best friend, a fellow musician from Dhaka- who will always know how I feel. After much discussion, it all boils down to the fact that music comes first. Maybe unintentionally other things in life get ignored or overlooked, small things feel like the end of the world, bigger things feel insignificant, being alive feels like the greatest blessing and then the greatest curse, you are vulnerable, raw, open and at times just miserable, while at the same time experiencing the greatest highs imaginable.
But that's the price you pay for being me. I keep asking Mash (my best friend) what I should do to balance things, be a better daughter, friend, financial decision maker. He told me that so far he hasn't found anyone in our line who has that balance, but if I should find it to, "Call me when you figure it out."

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