Call me when you've figured it out.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…" -CD

Oh CD how right you were. I'm sure this holds true for many professions and lives- as I truly believe we all go through the motions alike. But in fields such as mine, where you are automatically married/attached/devoted to a certain spirituality in your music- it can only happen more and more.

I will be singing with and for AR Rahman- the musician I have considered my guru and guide. There is no greater honour I could have imagined for myself- to actually perform in his presence with him in the audience AND have him onstage beside me. In the midst of that- I have been facing a lot of turmoil in my heart. Fear for the new challenges in music, of being a graduate and in relationships, health, financial aspects. Everyday brings upon a new obstacle for that "perfect kind of happiness."

Oh I know there isn't one. But for many there is stability. For someone who needs stability- I certainly picked the wrong career. A part of me inherits a control "freak" if you must- side, while the other is a thrill seeker. But as many creative people are- I need routine most times, to keep me focussed and productive. Of course those moments of flow come and go too....

Whenever I feel stuck, I call my best friend, a fellow musician from Dhaka- who will always know how I feel. After much discussion, it all boils down to the fact that music comes first. Maybe unintentionally other things in life get ignored or overlooked, small things feel like the end of the world, bigger things feel insignificant, being alive feels like the greatest blessing and then the greatest curse, you are vulnerable, raw, open and at times just miserable, while at the same time experiencing the greatest highs imaginable.
But that's the price you pay for being me. I keep asking Mash (my best friend) what I should do to balance things, be a better daughter, friend, financial decision maker. He told me that so far he hasn't found anyone in our line who has that balance, but if I should find it to, "Call me when you figure it out."

One of those divine moments

This is it. My last week at Berklee. And with every moment the feeling of a grand climax is coming upon me. Tomorrow may be the EPIC piece as Annette likes to call it. THe Berklee Indian ENsemble which is most like my family than everything here, is having our show. With Kathak, Bharat Natyam and student compositions. One of those pieces is mine. almost 40 people performing it together tomorrow.

Today we rehearsed it with me at the other end of the room watching them. It was incredible, I had tears. It was one of those divine moments I've always wanted to experience. I remember when I was writing this piece and felt so insecure about whether it would be good or grand enough for the whole ensemble. And Annette had posted this thing on FB about how you have to keep making and keep making and you'll know when its great, but you must keep making. So I built the piece from the sudden Idea i had had when I was in bed watching family guy or something. Tomorrow we will perform it in front of hundreds. But today it was performed in front of me, and I felt it. It may not be the greatest piece ever but with the right people it gave of love and happiness and hope.

I cannot believe how wonderful my life is sometimes. And as much as it scares me to not be a student and part of such grand families, I feel drawn to making my own grand family soon.